Half Empty?
Monday, August 24. 2009
One of my major goals in life has been to be known for something, whether it's writing a bestseller or building a cool widget. Clarification: something positive. No serial killer I.
And it's not really being famous that I'm after. I do see the apparent logical fallacy there—wanting to be known, but not wanting to be famous. But being known for something doesn't necessarily imply being in the rotation as an Oprah guest.
Perhaps a better expression than being known is being respected. To be transparent, what I look for most is some acknowledgement that I've done something worth doing. That's what's been driving my writing. It's also why I find it easy to get discouraged in the face of rejection notices. However, I've been focused on novels for the past couple of years to the detriment of short story writing, so I haven't seen one of those notices in a very long time. I'm a little hesitant to start that cycle again...but there's really no alternative. And the clock is ticking.
As I get older, I'm more and more mindful of the movement of that second hand. Seconds add up to minutes, which add up to hours, which become days, weeks, months, years...a lifetime. Do I even have enough time left on this Earth to be able to accomplish something noteworthy? I've been quite pessimistic about that for the past year or so, even fatalistic. Of course, that attitude isn't going to help me get anything done; quite the opposite, in fact: it will tend to immobilize me, make me want to curl up in bed and sleep all day long.
The rational response: limit "play" to a reasonable amount of time. This means carefully selecting my recreational activities; it means I can't do all the fun things I want to do. Neither do I want to kill myself, or alienate the few friends I can claim, by doing nothing but working. It's a tough balance to strike. But I don't want to look back in ten or twenty years' time and find that I had a good time, but accomplished nothing.
One of my major goals in life has been to be known for something, whether it's writing a bestseller or building a cool widget. Clarification: something positive. No serial killer I.
And it's not really being famous that I'm after. I do see the apparent logical fallacy there—wanting to be known, but not wanting to be famous. But being known for something doesn't necessarily imply being in the rotation as an Oprah guest.
Perhaps a better expression than being known is being respected. To be transparent, what I look for most is some acknowledgement that I've done something worth doing. That's what's been driving my writing. It's also why I find it easy to get discouraged in the face of rejection notices. However, I've been focused on novels for the past couple of years to the detriment of short story writing, so I haven't seen one of those notices in a very long time. I'm a little hesitant to start that cycle again...but there's really no alternative. And the clock is ticking.
As I get older, I'm more and more mindful of the movement of that second hand. Seconds add up to minutes, which add up to hours, which become days, weeks, months, years...a lifetime. Do I even have enough time left on this Earth to be able to accomplish something noteworthy? I've been quite pessimistic about that for the past year or so, even fatalistic. Of course, that attitude isn't going to help me get anything done; quite the opposite, in fact: it will tend to immobilize me, make me want to curl up in bed and sleep all day long.
The rational response: limit "play" to a reasonable amount of time. This means carefully selecting my recreational activities; it means I can't do all the fun things I want to do. Neither do I want to kill myself, or alienate the few friends I can claim, by doing nothing but working. It's a tough balance to strike. But I don't want to look back in ten or twenty years' time and find that I had a good time, but accomplished nothing.
And it's not really being famous that I'm after. I do see the apparent logical fallacy there—wanting to be known, but not wanting to be famous. But being known for something doesn't necessarily imply being in the rotation as an Oprah guest.
Perhaps a better expression than being known is being respected. To be transparent, what I look for most is some acknowledgement that I've done something worth doing. That's what's been driving my writing. It's also why I find it easy to get discouraged in the face of rejection notices. However, I've been focused on novels for the past couple of years to the detriment of short story writing, so I haven't seen one of those notices in a very long time. I'm a little hesitant to start that cycle again...but there's really no alternative. And the clock is ticking.
As I get older, I'm more and more mindful of the movement of that second hand. Seconds add up to minutes, which add up to hours, which become days, weeks, months, years...a lifetime. Do I even have enough time left on this Earth to be able to accomplish something noteworthy? I've been quite pessimistic about that for the past year or so, even fatalistic. Of course, that attitude isn't going to help me get anything done; quite the opposite, in fact: it will tend to immobilize me, make me want to curl up in bed and sleep all day long.
The rational response: limit "play" to a reasonable amount of time. This means carefully selecting my recreational activities; it means I can't do all the fun things I want to do. Neither do I want to kill myself, or alienate the few friends I can claim, by doing nothing but working. It's a tough balance to strike. But I don't want to look back in ten or twenty years' time and find that I had a good time, but accomplished nothing.
Craig on :
I can see where you are coming from. I think the frustration you are expressing is what drives many a mid-life crisis. I'm going through a similar one myself. Why else would I return to college at 41 years old if not to prove I could do what I did not do the first time around?
I, too, am frustrated with my current state of affairs. I enjoy what I do for a living, but still barely have two nickels to rub together. I don't seek fame either, but I would like more than lip service for the things I have accomplished.
At the same time, I wonder if I will be any different at the end of the college journey (other than deeply in debt.) If nothing else, I am making A's in and understanding calculus this time around. But, so are all the people in my classes with the East Indian names.
Go figure.
Brent on :
At least you do have a specific point in time you're working toward. My goals are more nebulous than that -- I'll finish a novel "someday soon." Of course, the fact that there's a line in the sand time-wise for you could also lead to a greater risk of a sort of "post-partum depression"... What will you do next? How will you use your degree? Or is it education for education's sake? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
What will I do with my novel, once I've finished it? Hopefully, sell it. And then, hopefully, be able to relax a bit, secure in the knowledge I've "accomplished" something before I died.
Wow. Morbid. Maybe now would be a good time to go shoot something on "Darkwind."